It’s the skill you have but rarely use.
So there you are.
In a meeting with a counterpart from another department, working on a joint project. There’s a lot riding on it for both of your teams. Halfway through, you notice something. They’re not saying what they actually mean. Passive aggressive? Maybe. Fear? Anger? Dunno. Whatever it is, the words definitely don’t match the vibe.
We register tone. We register hesitation. We register the pause before they answer, the word they chose instead of the obvious one.
As humans, we’re pros at picking up these cues and adjusting our responses subconsciously. But at work, these same skills we mastered by the time we got to kindergarten can often go completely unused.
I can remember a moment when I intentionally picked up this powerful tool during a critical conversation in real time.
It was a one-on-one with one of my team members. Things were going ok as we worked through an annual planning document. Then as I asked for clarity on a few items, I noticed the change. For some reason, I said, “I think you’ve got more to say about this.”
That took our conversation in an entirely different direction. Anxieties, frustrations, questions all came out. We were able to talk through most of them.
The world wouldn’t have ended had I not acknowledged what I was receiving, but the resulting clarity allowed us to make adjustments to the plan. more importantly, it helped me make better decisions and prepare for future conversations.
That gap between what someone says and what they mean is a gift handed to you whether they mean to or not. Left unopened, the conversation gets held hostage by what’s not being said. You’ll talk in circles about the agenda item all day. You’ll never get to resolution, because the real thing never gets acknowledged.
Successful communicators don’t just open it, they unpack it and work with what’s inside. The result is clearer understanding, more trust, and a better outcome. It’s also how you become the person leadership trusts to walk into the hard rooms. That reputation doesn’t come from being the loudest voice in the meeting. It comes from being the one who actually hears what’s happening in it.
Jeff’s Tips for Unwrapping the Unspoken Message
- Name it internally first. Before you respond, take a minute to register what you’re picking up: tone, hesitation, body language, word choice. What are they not saying out loud?
- Decide whether to acknowledge it or let it guide you. Lower stakes: name it out loud. Tense or political: let it shape your questions and your tone instead.
- Know when it’s too hot to touch. Strong emotion, anger, fear, deep anxiety, often means this isn’t the moment to address it directly. That’s fine. Let it sit and navigate around it lightly.
- Come back later. If you didn’t unpack it in the moment, follow up a day or two later. “Hey, it sounded like you were saying XYZ the other day” builds real trust. It also opens the door for them to speak more directly next time.
- Discernment, not diagnosis. You’re creating space for someone to name their own truth. Don’t project your read onto them and call it fact.
This communication tactic is old as humankind. The ancient Hebrews called it “shema.” It doesn’t just mean to hear. It means to truly listen, to take in what’s being said, and to act on it.
No matter what you call it, we’ve always had the capacity for this. We just don’t reach for it when the moments matter most: in the meeting, the one-on-one, and the conversation where the real thing never gets said out loud.
I can’t say exactly why I chose to engage with what I received that day. But it was a powerful learning experience for me. I admit that I still leave it on the shelf more often than I should, but I’m getting better at it.
Use it to actively improve your communication, your relationships, and how far your career goes because of both.
Are you ready to lean into growth?
Check out the Marketing Leadership Performance Accelerator. Six weeks. Workshop your real-world challenges. Max four people. Cohorts run quarterly.
